I had planned on posting a funny post tonight, one I worked on all afternoon while hanging out after my son’s Field Day, but to be honest I have spent the last 15 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor in pain. I am really swollen. I mean beyond the it is funny and jokey swollen. Beyond I have Restylane disaster sized vagina lips, and on to one side hurts so badly that wiping makes me shake in pain.
My hubs and I got crazy two nights ago. I was feeling so good, no bumps, no redness, just perfect pinkness, so we actually had sex twice in one night. Holy shit we have not done that since long before I got pregnant, actually the last time we did that I think we actually conceived my son! It was so great and oh, we were so happy afterwards. I remember thinking as I lay next to him, “I AM BACK”, but while I may be back to feeling sexy and having amazing orgasms with my hubs, my vagina always reminds me a few days later that it is in control.
Damn it I get so sick of this shit. Honestly, there are nights I wish my vagina would disappear, whither away, so I could just deal with the fall-out and grieve my sexless life, but instead I get euphoric days with my husband and then two days later I am laying in bed slapping on the numbing cream unable to pee without crying like a damn baby. I sit all day with my son’s class wincing in pain every time my shorts or underwear hit the wrong spot. I literally have to either walk around or be very still while sitting. My husband tells me how hot I look as I walk up the stairs and no matter how hot I feel I can’t have sex with him tonight or in the next few days because of my damn vagina. One night I am up so high and the next I am so low. It is hard, depressing and so aggravating.
What do I do? This is the life that I have to accept, this is my life after the doctor ruined me during delivery. How in the hell do I expect my husband to put up with this forever? It is not fair that he can’t have sex with the wife he loves. How long until he leaves me for someone who can have regular sex? How many blowjobs can I give? I can’t use my fucking toys every time we want to be sexual. I need to be with my husband, I need to have him inside of me. Damn it all to hell, I adore my son and I swear that I could never live without him, but why did this have to happen to me? Why am I the lucky one whose vagina got ripped apart? Why is it that all my friends never deal with this shit? If they did they would talk to me about it, wouldn’t they? How do I not hate myself? It is my vagina, it is me that is broken. What can I do about it? Is it time to visit the “vagina designer? Do I chance another surgery? Maybe I need to suck up my fear and shell out the money, maybe he can help. Anything is better than this, right?
Bad night here in the land of “a broken Vagina”. Don’t worry I will get through it. Me, my husband and my vagina always get through it. I have dealt with this shit for 6 years, so what’s another night?